Tuesday, 19 June 2007

Fat, frumpy, and unforgiving.

I have an issue with my weight. You're not surprised are you? I wonder if anyone is just perfectly happy with their size and shape?

I never have been - though the closest I got to it was a while after I was diagnosed with Diabetes. I was actually skinny! I didn't know it at the time, but I was losing all that weight because my body was starved and sick. As soon as I started insulin I piled a lot of it back again. I have healthier habits these days, thanks to Diabetes, but I still can't seem to get skinny again, and not for lack of trying.

I drink shit-loads of water. I make sure I get exercise - heck, even on the days I'm not doing 'specific' exercise, I still get exercise vacuuming my huge house, or doing work in the garden. I have a morning routine that includes some stretches, jogging on the spot, and a bunch of other exercises. I ride my bike or go for walks whenever I can... but it's not enough. I'd love to be a fitness fanatic, going to the gym a few times a week and cycling for miles every day! My life keeps holding me back, but I'm quite aware that it's just an excuse. I could find a way around the intricate planning bits if I had to. (And it is tricky - I have a 10 year old son at home 24/7 and we both have health considerations... buggerit...)

What gets me the most is how healthy I can be during the day, but not the evenings. I have low-carb days (most days I'm careful with the carbs anyway, barely ever going 80 - 100g carb in my meals & daytime snacks). I have fitness frenzy days, I'm always trying to be well behaved for brekkie lunch & dinner. Why do I struggle to avoid the junk in the evenings when it's so easy during the day?

Why do I have cravings for food? I know logically that food is just to keep us alive. We need it for energy, and sometimes we need certain foods for their vitamins or whatever that our body needs for certain jobs. I don't need that crap food. I don't need a second helping even if it's good healthy stuff. I don't need pudding, I don't need a snack, I don't need anything other than 3 small meals a day and some occasional snacks for blood sugar balance. Surely if I know how to lose weight, the next step is to just DO IT? I don't see why I'm battling myself!

It's like giving up smoking - HARD work! Eating can be an addiction, especially the carb laden foods most of us like so much (omg the chocolate...). but when you give up smoking, you GIVE UP smoking. I can't give up eating... the temptation is in my face all day every day.

The other day I went shopping. I need some new winter clothes - but having tried a couple of things on I knew it was not my day. I was grumpy about my weight. I didn't want to buy THAT size. I didn't like how that top showed off my swelling belly or how those trousers clung to my thighs. Nothing looked good, nothing felt good.

Depressing. I know I shouldn't care. I am still me, no matter what. But this has been a LONG struggle - a real fight to lose some kilos. It shouldn't be this hard, it shouldn't be so depressing.

I saw this you tube video a while back. It's a little release, a nice thing to watch... but the feeling doesn't last long for me. I NEED to be skinny. I've done it before and I sooo want it again! I want to wear those sexy jeans again. I want to feel light & energetic & happy.

Dammit. The battle goes on.


Scott K. Johnson said...

Yep, I'm with you on it. Logically I know what to do, but just can't seem to follow through for longer than a day. As if I would magically lose poundage in a single day if I was "good". Ha!

Nights are troubling for me too, as are low blood sugars. I use those to justify stuff I've been denying all day.

I also appreciate the fact that we HAVE to eat. We can't just quit it altogether like other addictions. I think that makes it much harder to find the balance.

A tough fight, that's for sure.

Major Bedhead said...

I have the same problem at night. It's maddening. I don't seem to have the willpower that I have during the day. Maybe I should just go to bed instead of watching tv and reading blogs...I wish I knew what the answer was but alas, I don't. I just know I'm desperately unhappy at the weight I'm at and I need to do something about it.

Wingman said...

The trick for me has always been not to bring the unhealthy snacks into my house. When I'm up at my parents they have all the potato chips and frozen pizzas a guy could ask for and it is nearly impossible to refuse the temptation. But when I'm at my apartment the only options I have for snacks are some fruits, nuts and a small block of gourmet cheese. It's alot easier to deny the craving when you can't eat it immediatley (at purchase time).