Fat, frumpy, and unforgiving.

I have an issue with my weight. You're not surprised are you? I wonder if anyone is just perfectly happy with their size and shape?

I never have been - though the closest I got to it was a while after I was diagnosed with Diabetes. I was actually skinny! I didn't know it at the time, but I was losing all that weight because my body was starved and sick. As soon as I started insulin I piled a lot of it back again. I have healthier habits these days, thanks to Diabetes, but I still can't seem to get skinny again, and not for lack of trying.

I drink shit-loads of water. I make sure I get exercise - heck, even on the days I'm not doing 'specific' exercise, I still get exercise vacuuming my huge house, or doing work in the garden. I have a morning routine that includes some stretches, jogging on the spot, and a bunch of other exercises. I ride my bike or go for walks whenever I can... but it's not enough. I'd love to be a fitness fanatic, going to the gym a few times a week and cycling for miles every day! My life keeps holding me back, but I'm quite aware that it's just an excuse. I could find a way around the intricate planning bits if I had to. (And it is tricky - I have a 10 year old son at home 24/7 and we both have health considerations... buggerit...)

What gets me the most is how healthy I can be during the day, but not the evenings. I have low-carb days (most days I'm careful with the carbs anyway, barely ever going 80 - 100g carb in my meals & daytime snacks). I have fitness frenzy days, I'm always trying to be well behaved for brekkie lunch & dinner. Why do I struggle to avoid the junk in the evenings when it's so easy during the day?

Why do I have cravings for food? I know logically that food is just to keep us alive. We need it for energy, and sometimes we need certain foods for their vitamins or whatever that our body needs for certain jobs. I don't need that crap food. I don't need a second helping even if it's good healthy stuff. I don't need pudding, I don't need a snack, I don't need anything other than 3 small meals a day and some occasional snacks for blood sugar balance. Surely if I know how to lose weight, the next step is to just DO IT? I don't see why I'm battling myself!

It's like giving up smoking - HARD work! Eating can be an addiction, especially the carb laden foods most of us like so much (omg the chocolate...). but when you give up smoking, you GIVE UP smoking. I can't give up eating... the temptation is in my face all day every day.

The other day I went shopping. I need some new winter clothes - but having tried a couple of things on I knew it was not my day. I was grumpy about my weight. I didn't want to buy THAT size. I didn't like how that top showed off my swelling belly or how those trousers clung to my thighs. Nothing looked good, nothing felt good.

Depressing. I know I shouldn't care. I am still me, no matter what. But this has been a LONG struggle - a real fight to lose some kilos. It shouldn't be this hard, it shouldn't be so depressing.

I saw this you tube video a while back. It's a little release, a nice thing to watch... but the feeling doesn't last long for me. I NEED to be skinny. I've done it before and I sooo want it again! I want to wear those sexy jeans again. I want to feel light & energetic & happy.

Dammit. The battle goes on.

Noodles & bicycles

Noodle, after a good feed & lots of combing

Noodle has been hanging around the house full time for a few days now, eating everything he sees and fast becoming a very loving & gentle wee boy. He still looks a bit sickly - he's SO small and his hair is so dry & wiry. We feed him daily and comb him, and he's starting to look better. He's booked in for a trip to the vet on Wednesday so he can have a good check up and we can attack the fleas & worms that may be present.

Noodle is our wee boy now. Even if he did have a home (which I doubt) it wasn't a good one - that was one unhappy & unhealthy cat. Not for long though :)

So now my post a while back about not having another cat seems even more silly - we're a three cat family - and given the chance, I'd keep taking on more!

=^..^= meow!

In other news...

Earlier this year I bought myself a bike as a birthday present. I've used it a few times but not as much as I intended. That's all changing... I did a 5.5km ride the other day, and it was great! Yesterday I probably only rode about 1km, my butt hurt too much to ride any longer. That was quite enough anyway, I was low when I got home and I couldn't feel my legs - even though I'd munched & sipped coke before I left. Cycling is obviously quite good for dealing to blood sugars, so I'll have to come up with a plan to handle it.

Perhaps I'll only cycle after meals, and have less /no insulin to even it out. I am glad I thought ahead on this though, and attached a small bag to my bike to carry lollies & my cell phone. I haven't needed the phone (so far) but I have gone through 5 or 6 lollies.

Which brings me to my next point... The whole idea of riding my bike is to lose a little weight. I've put on quite a few kilos since starting insulin over a year ago, and all attempts to lose it again have so far failed, apart from just a few kg that fell off before my sisters wedding purely from the fear of knowing I was going to wear a dress in front of hundreds of people!

I'm learning (again) just how hard it can be for an insulin dependent diabetic to lose weight. I resent everything I have to eat/drink if I'm low. I resent my insulin for encouraging the weight gain in the first place, and I resent my own attitude over the last year - originally my fear of lows which kept me eating when I didn't need to, then my attempt at routine eating while I was on protaphane, and my lack of exercise, again due to fears of going low.

Well, I'm past all that now. I can do this :)

My first move is to drop my Lantus - Lately it's been a bit too much. That perfect day I posted a few days ago was only the beginning... I've had more like it, but mostly with lows. I've dropped one unit from my morning Lantus so far (I split mine evenly into two 12 hourly doses - it's SO good that way!). I'll wait a couple of days to make sure it's settled, then I'll probably need to drop another unit or two to allow for the extra exercise I'm doing. We'll see...

I'd still rather be low than high, just not this often, especially when I want to avoid the junk food! I need to find a better balance and make losing weight a bigger priority.

Onwards and upwards, to good health and nicer clothes!